"Cell" phone now has new meaning

By DaGiNoBinO, contributing writer

Tokyo, Japan-- Every year, cell phone companies are trying to come up with an easier-to-use phone with even more features. Forget the Nokia 8260 or the Motorola flip phone. All the new phones are very small and compact; I think Japan has answered all of our questions on that. The company Koroshitai Talk! has invented a cell phone so small (as small as a blood cell), the ear piece can be surgically inserted into the cartilage of your ears. The mic-- either on your lips or on your chin. But how would you call? SIMPLE! Put your hands out in front of you... starting with your left pinky going to the right pinky are numbers 0-9. Redial? Your left nipple. Flash? Your right nipple. Mute? Your nose. Speed dial is your toes. So now you can have a phone with you wherever you go. And the best part is the battery. Where is the battery? Well, it's in the shape of a ring usually worn on the pinky. The phone will not operate without this ring so if you take off your jewelry at night, you don't have to worry about accidentally making a call.And the best part is... it's charged with actual fat! Eat all you want, if you want to burn that fat, talk on the phone for hours! Tokyo is certainly the one to start trends on cell phones. These cell phones will be called the Huma-Cellular Denwa. By using Koroshitai Talk! products, you agree that you will not hold them accountable for any damages done to you or family members while using this phone.
Koroshitai Talk! is currently working on a Huma-Cellular Denwa that can take pictures in which the camera will be inserted into your eyes. Hopefully, with a wink, you can be sending pictures to your best friends on your Huma-Cellular phone!
"Can you hear me now? OF COURSE YOU CAN! I HAVE A HUMA-CELLULAR DENWA!!!"

Perry, FL teacher to increase South Africa's tourism?

By C.S.

CAPETOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - The Tourism Department of South Africa has recently announced that a new initiative is taking place to increase tourism in the southernmost African country. The new initiative theme is, "South Africa: Shut Up and Drive the Damn Boat." The campagain is supposed to be spearheaded by a Perry, Florida teacher, Ms. Anne White. "I am really excited about being on this campaign," exclaimed the stoned-liked teacher. "I get a free trip to South Africa along with a companion, and free drinks!" Ms. White is to leave for South Africa in a week, and will be absent for the first part of the coming school year. Interesting to note, along with a request for leave from Ms. White, the infamous Senor Kester also requested to leave. Speculation from TCHS gossip says that Ms. White and Senor Kester are an item. "Of course they're an item," replied a student. "He always pokes his head in Ms. White's room asking for something." The Chair of the Tourism Department of South Africa had only to say this, "We are keeping a close eye on the situation, for while we respect the privacy of Ms. White, there is a need to protect the image quality of South Africa and not make us look foolish due to some bumbling drunk. Umm, please strike that last bit." The campagain is set to commence on November 1, and will feature Ms. White with her infamous Ferdinand Magellan skit.