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A look at what's going on in the U.S. of A.

Mayer to Travel back to 1983

By Sweet Dawn Sahm

John Mayer, talented guitar player and modern day Greek god to all female hearts, has currently announced that he will build a time machine to journey back to the year 1983. When asked his motives Mayer replied "I just want to find out where my damn lunchbox went." To this day, 21 years later, he still feels that he should've had some say in the decision of it getting thrown away. After finishing this year's tour, he will lock himself into the capsule (proudly sponsored by Fender and Eddie Bauer) before his brother, Ben, who looks like an 18 month delay of John, will press the button that blasts the capsule back into time. In the capsule John will be sporting a red cape and carrying a map locating every sandbox in Bridgeport, CT. "I think I met a girl in a sandbox there, and I'm hoping that she's the same one I passed on the sidewalk last week after my show in Pelham, AL. I'll be in '83, why the hell not kill 2 birds with one stone?" Mayer is very optimistic about the venture back into time. When asked what he'll do if the capsule fails or if he cannot locate his lunchbox Mayer replied "That's the way this wheel keeps working!" However, he does want all fan letters sent to him in Bridgeport, CT, care of 1983. We are all desperately excited to know the results of Mayer's upcoming journey. It's not about John now, it's what we are!

UPDATE!

Stolen lawn gnome found!

By SVB

CHICAGO, IL--The missing Flagstaff, AZ lawn gnome profiled in last month's issue of Get Informed! has been found! The gnome was spotted earlier this week in Chicago on the L- Train along with its captor, Brendan Leonard. Leonard, of last summer's The Brendan Leonard Show on ABC Family, was spotted by Get Informed! reader Gale Haskil on her way to play Bingo. Said Haskil, "I was on the L, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I spot this wholesome, good-looking young boy get on with a lawn gnome in tow. I thought the gnome looked strangely familiar and then it hit me--this was the stolen Arizona lawn gnome!" Haskil then called the police on her cellular phone, the train was immediately forced to shut down and both Leonard and the gnome were put in custody. Said Leonard, "I was on a road trip with some friends and we saw this stupid-looking lawn gnome in some guy's front yard. On a dare, I took it. It was just a stupid lawn decoration. I didn't know it would cause this much fuss." The gnome has since been returned to its original owner, Dick Lavendar. Upon being reunited with his favorite lawn decoration, Lavendar said, "Finally, all this has come to an end. I can sleep, I can eat and I can fully focus on my duties as president of my neighborhood's crime watch organization." "In my 20 years on the force, this has to be the dumbest assignment I've ever agreed to," Chicago deputy Barney Eldgard said. "C'mon, busting a kid for taking some stupid gnome on a dare? That's more innocent than what I did when I was his age. Ummm, scratch that last part, please. I'm still wanted in Connecticut." As of press time, charges have not been pressed and Leonard is currently working on the website for The Brendan Leonard Show. "Next time I'll take some pink flamingos," Leonard said. "Everybody hates those."

Sham and Honest Abe

Honest Abe Spotted in the "Land of Lincoln"

By Sweet Dawn Sahm

"I guess I always imagined him to be taller," stated passer-through tourist Charles Sham. It was in fact Sham and his girlfriend, Dawn Elliott who spotted the 16th president at the Illinois Welcome Center off of Interstate 24 near Paducah, Kentucky. "I was just stopping for a pee and a soda, and there he was!" replied Elliott. President Lincoln was dressed in his notorious black suit and Colonial Sander's tie. He was having one heck of a good hair day, one that would make Cosmo jealous. His skin was a slightly whitish-pale color. It could be said that he looked like death, but he was very much alive. In fact, he autographed a five-dollar bill for Sham and posed for a quick picture (Lincoln on the left). I asked him what he was doing around these parts again. He said he was on his way to Harrah's Casino in Metropolis to hit up the craps table. I doubted him for a second, but he had a twinkle in his eye, and I remembered that he was known for his honesty. And besides, why else would anyone be driving through Southern Illinois? "At first I thought I was just hallucinating," said Sham. "We had been on the road for like ten hours and my bladder was filled to the very last drop. But I walked out of the bathroom and I was like Holy Abe!" The two chatted with President Lincoln for a few more minutes about his Gettysburg address, sitting on that wall and almost getting shot, and how he only dealt with slavery because he was afraid of getting killed by the African Mafia. He then said he must be leaving. "He said something about not wanting to let his slot machine get cold," said Elliott. With one small two finger salute from his forehead he disappeared into thin air. "He was gone with a flash, like Santa Clause in the 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' poem. And then Charles Sham and I heard a small honest voice whisper in our ears 'WELCOME TO ILLINOIS....THE LAND OF LINCOLN!'" said Elliott. The two looked in their hands and found a one dollar poker chip to Harrah's Casino. They again started their trip to the middle of nowhere.

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