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Flagstaff neighborhood shaken by stolen lawn gnome
By SVB
FLAGSTAFF, AZ--A prestigious Flagstaff neighborhood is shaken by a robbery that occured there earlier this week. The
object--a lawn gnome that mysteriously disappeared from the residence of the president of the neighborhood crime watch organization.
Dick Lavendar, a neighborhood resident for 15 years noticed the missing gnome after coming home Monday night from his son's
little league baseball game. "That was my favorite lawn decoration!" an anguished Lavendar cited at a local press conference.
"Why couldn't they have taken the plastic pink flamingoes?" Shortly after the discovery, an All Points Bulletin on the gnome
was put out by Flagstaff authorities. "I don't know even why we bothered," the Chief of Police reportedly said. "I think Lavendar
mentioned something about doughnuts if we helped him and we immediately agreed--without bothering to find out what he wanted.
Oh well--those Krispy Kreme raspberry-filled doughnuts were worth it!" The gnome is suspected to still be in Flagstaff, and
residents are encouraged to report any sightings or suspicious activity to the local police. Said a worried neighbor, "Where
does it end? Last week it was some rocks out of a rock garden, this week a lawn gnome. What next? A birdhouse?"
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Dylan to launch new underwear line
By SVB
NEW YORK, NY--At a press conference earlier this week, Limited Brands, Inc. announced that lingere companyVictoria's
Secret is partnering up with musician Bob Dylan to create a line of underwear for men. The new line, Dylan's Picks,
is scheduled to hit stores sometime this fall. "Dylan had already worked with Victoria's Secret, compiling a 'best of' album
to sell in the stores," a Limited Brands, Inc. spokesman said. "So naturally he was our first choice and open to the idea."
"I'm excited about the line," Dylan was quoted as saying. "Now men who are forced to go to Victoria's Secret with their wives
and girlfriends have something to browse through while their significant others are shopping. YOU'RE WELCOME!" Dylan is also
set to star in upcoming commercials announcing the new line, modeling the merchandise himself. Tyra Banks will also be in
the commercials as well. "Damn!" Banks was quoted as saying. "I don't think I can stomach his wrinkly old ass in a thong!
I'm gonna have to get drunk or something!" Dylan was not available for comment.
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Reason behind Creed's breakup revealed
by SVB
NEW YORK, NY-- At a press conference for the up and coming band CaliGirl, Creed's former manager and currently in charge
of CaliGirl, accidentally let slip the reason behind the former band's breakup. According to the manager, lead singer Scott
Stapp wanted to launch his solo career and couldn't do that while being in Creed; thus, the split. So when will he begin working
on his solo career? According to Stapp's rep, August, when the American Idol auditions begin. That's right; Creed's lead singer
is set to audition in front of Simon, Randy and Paula. "American Idol has proven to put new talent on the map," Stapp was
quoted as saying. "What better way to guarantee the success of my solo album than to be on the show? I am the next American
Idol." When told that he was too old to audition for the show, Stapp simply responded, "People always tell me that I can pass
for a 22 year-old. Ill be on that show, no doubt about it." When told that pretty much all of America, including the judges,
knew he was no 22 year-old, Stapp responded, flustered, "I was in Creed, for God's sake!" "Stapp's in denial," Creed-drummer-turned-North
Florida Community College-music-theory-professor Scott Phillips was quoted as saying. "He can't admit that his career is over.
He needs to be a soldier and get a real job, like the rest of us did." Due to the buzz surrounding Creed's manager's slip
of the tongue, CaliGirl was utterly forgotten. "Creed is so dumb," CaliGirl lead singer Beth Sousa said. "Who cares about
them?" CaliGirl's debut album release date has been postponed indefinitely.
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