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Howard not appearing in 'Lord of the Rings'
By C. S.
Sunday, June 2, 2002
6:39 PM EST
LOS ANGELES, CA.--New Line Cinema has retracted the former press release that dealt with Oscar Howard replacing
Sean Astin's role as Samwise Gamgee on the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. For all three films have already been filmed in the
blissful location of New Zealand, and thus the occurrence of a role change after extensive shooting is not possible. "I would
never have left filming "Lord of the Rings" to film such a crude movie as American Pie 3," quoted Sean Astin, "For the experiences
I had in New Zealand filming "Lord of the Rings" have made a lasting impression on my life. And I would never leave my fellow
hobbits." New Line Cinema has not found the source of this erroneous press release, and investigators are still searching.
However, Oscar Howard fans should not despair, for Taylor County's School Superintendent is starring in American Pie 3. Rumor
has it that the famous line in the first American Pie will be changed to, "One time, at reading camp..." Oscar Howard role
in the movie is not known, but it word of mouth has said it would be someone's grandfather. Once asked about this role Oscar
Howard responded, "Yes, it is true that I will be in American Pie 3, and NOT 'Lord of the Rings' since I hold an unworthy
stature to film such a fine piece of cinema." Howard continues to say, "I am quite excited about this role since I am leaking
into youth culture to get the joys of reading, and plus I like apple pie. You gonna eat that?" Jason Biggs upon learning of
Oscar's role was quoted to say, "I shall not be in the next sequel, for a film that pokes fun of teenage sexuality does not
need to involve an obese, bald guy." Oscar Howard was reported to have been so upset that he ordered two more milkshakes.
'Sexiest Man' nomination a mistake
By SVB
7:53 PM PST
6/21/01
LOS ANGELES, CA--The editor of People magazine said at a recent press conference that Oscar Howard's nomination
for one of 2001's sexiest men was a mistake. "This nomination was a grave mistake," he said, "and I apologize to my staff
and the readers of People Magazine for this slip-up. The last thing I would want to do is jepordize People's untarnished reputation
by including filth like Mr. Howard." We caught up with Mr.Howard at Big Bend Fitness Gym where apparantley the Superientendent
of Schools was buffing up for the magazine's photo shoot and was not made aware of the turn of events. When informed, he said
between bites of his fifth juice bar, "Filth? I'll tell you what's filth. This piece of crap juice bar! Oh well, that's the
only thing there is to eat. Another one, please! And make it strawberry!"
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KozyReader sells itself for Krispy Kreme doughnuts
By C.S.
July 9, 2001
8:40 PM EST
PERRY, FLA. - Oscar Howard Inc., has reported that it will be buying KozyReader Inc., for an undisclosed
amount (subjects close to the matter say for a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts.) Kozyreader Inc. provides pretty much nothing
but bookmarks since it sold off many of its money-making sectors in order to get out of pending debt. However, Kozyreader
Inc. thrown in the bookmarks in just decided to get bought by another company. While be on the block for eight years looking
for a potential buyer to buy the worthless company, Kozyreader Inc. settled desperately within Oscar Howard's Krispy Kreme
doughnut deal. "It's a sad state that Kozyreader had to sell itself for doughtnuts," whined the pale-stricken CEO Richard
Hunes, "but my children needed breakfast that morning!" Oscar Howard was qouted, "I just love the little bookmark with the
doggy on it!" In other news, Oscar Howard has been reported at Buckingham Palace recently charming the Queen. However Oscar's
trip was cut short after deportation for undisclosed reasons.
'A Book's Tale' incites speculation
By SVB
8:03 PM PST
6/21/01
ORLANDO, FLA.--There is apparant buzz around Taylor County Superientendent of Schools Oscar Howard's movie project. Since
his disclosure about the details of his movie, A Book's Tale, on Entertainment Tonight's broadcast last week, calls
have been flooding the Screen Actor's Guild Headquarters as well as The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences Headquarters.
The presidents of both the afore mentioned organizations have refused interviews about this subject, but have been reported
to lock themselves in the bathroom and cry for two hours straight. The movie, starring Howard and Carmen Electra, and featuring
a cameo by teen sensation O-Town, is being shot in Orlando, Florida. "Louis Pearlman made us do it," said Ashley, a member
of O-Town. "He said it would be good publicity since we're, and I quote, 'A whiny bunch of prissy boys whose careers are going
nowhere and fast.' I'm so upset! I need to go and complain about something extremely trivial and sound like a wussy rich boy
who can't sing. Excuse me." When asked why he chose Carmen Electra to be his costar and silver screen love interest, Howard
replied, "She's hot," then later added, "She was the only one who would do it. We've been turned down by Michele Phiffer,
Melanie Griffith, Charleze Thereon, Kate Winslet, Julia Roberts, Gwenyth Paltrow, the entire cast of Sex and the City, the
women on Friends, the entire cast of The Gilmore Girls, Jennifer Lopez, every girl band in existance, Madonna, and frankly
every other hot actress in the movie business. Carmen was a godsend." "I was at one of Robert Downey Jr.'s parties and got
high," said a teary-eyed Electra. "When I was in the bathroom heaving, I noticed a script in the trash can next to the toilet.
When I was pretty sure I wouldn't hurl, I picked it out and read it and thought it was great. I regret that now!" More updates
to come on the movie project as they arrive.
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Oscarmobile stolen by crazed citizen
By C. S.
June 13, 2001
3:41 PM EST
Taylor Co., FL - The Oscarmobile was reported stolen by a crazed citizen late last night. The criminal was
captured when he ran into the Oscar Howards home. Luckily Oscar Howard and his wife were vacationing in the Library of Congress
for summer. The criminal was tranquilized and taken to Greeenleaf. "Oscar Howard is the devil! He teaches little children
too much! He should be stopped!" screamed the whacko as he was being transported into the truck. When asked of this incident
Oscar Howard qouted, "Its a tragedy to see someone not caring enough for the future of children by reading." Doughnuts and
coffee were then available after the statement.
Pepsi cites Howard as new spokesman
By SVB
August 19, 2003
4:32 PM EST
Los Angeles, CA--Tinseltown is in a reported buzz after Pepsi's announcement last week citing Taylor County Superientendent
of Schools Oscar Howard as their new spokesperson, replacing long-time spokeswoman Beyonce Knowles of Destiny's Child.
The change reportedly occurred when Pepsi Co. decided to change it's "Think young, drink young" advertising in favor of a
more mature message. "Howard is just the person we're looking for," cited a Pepsi spokesman at a press conference yesterday.
"He's got a stable career, a loving family and is genuinely happy. He's the perfect example of how rewarding middle age can
be--a message that is long overdue in being delivered to the youth of America." When asked if Howard's self-image would be
a problem for his role-model status, the spokesman said simply, "We're working on that." Indeed, Howard was later spotted
at a fitness center in Perry on a spin cycle. "I believe taking care of your body is important," said a wheezing Howard, "so
I'm trying to make mine the best it can be so I can better encourage teens and young adults to take care of theirs." Howard
then paused for a break of coffee and doughnuts. When asked about the switch, Beyonce Knowles said simply, "Life's a biotch,
what can I say?"
Ba da ba ba ba...Howard's lovin' it
By SVB
NEW YORK, NY--At a press conference last week, the McDonald's Corporation revealed that teen hearthrob Justin Timberlake
and Taylor County Superientendent of Schools Oscar Howard signed on to be the new McDonald's spokesmen. "Together, Howard
and Timberlake have the perfect blend of youth and maturity to appeal to McDonald's patrons of all ages," said a spokesman
for the Corporation. "With their help, we predict that McDonald's' income will triple, guaranteeing a permanent spot
as the nation's top fast food chain." "I thought I would be working with Cameron [Diaz]!" an angry Timberlake exploded
unexpectedly at his show in Toronto yesterday. "Who is this old guy?" Howard, however, was extremely excited about the deal
and immediately went to McDonald's to celebrate. "I am so excited to be working with Justin!" a delighted Howard exclaimed.
"I know the two of us will make positive role models! And I also get free unlimited Stepometers! Look! It takes me approximately
ten steps to walk from my booth to the counter! Free milkshakes for everyone! And two for me!" The Howard/
Timberlake commercials are expected to air in mid-July.
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